In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
