dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
