We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
