Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i will never coherently bang her
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize