I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
