Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
