you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
