Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
