Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
