i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We have so much sex to catch up on
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
