When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize