Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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