I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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