I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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