I accidentally had phone sex last night
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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