Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
