We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
