Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
