Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
