If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
