i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize