I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
