I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
