I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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