you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
