Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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