I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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