oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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