I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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