I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the liver wants what the liver wants
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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