at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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