If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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