Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize