just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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