sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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