My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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