I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
