I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
