I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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