Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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