Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize