i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
