he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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