If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
