You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
