Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
