This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
