I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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