You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize