im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
