EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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