You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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