did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
this beer tastes like vomit already
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
