It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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