Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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