I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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