New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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